as we all know, there are two sides of the story. and this is my side

2011 is not really my year. basically, it is a year full of heartaches, drama and popcorn. a lot of shitload got unto me.

i took the Russian roulette and got hit on a spotlight.

this year, i broke up with my first serious boyfriend. i had to since something-NO, everything went wrong. he found another girl and jerked me off. i broke up cause i wanted him to catch me but it wasn’t the case. apparently, he didn’t question my motives and handed down the decision to me. i begged for him to come back, but that little prick was never interested. i got depressed. i was in denial. i couldn’t accept the fact that i was broken-hearted. i felt empty, alone, in the dark and helpless. And the usual giddy up me pretended to be strong, unbreakable and invincible. so i did what any girl/guy should supposed to do. i moved on.

one mistake i made. i made decisions according to what i wanted and not God could have wanted for me. i was impatient, hasty and careless. i wanted to be happy. the way i wanted it to be. but my own definition of happiness killed me. it consumed me and worldly things mattered. things that i should not have known as early as before became enticing. Suddenly, i was pretty much seduced by the idea of lust.

i decided to distract myself. applied for a call center company and luckily, i got qualified and have worked for a month. i had fun. then and there, i was fooled by the concept of ‘adulthood’. everyone acted so mature and pretending like one was the best thing i could do or maybe at least. while i was there, i dated 2 of my single office mates (because i had illicit affair with another one) and 3 from my former suitors. i wanted to feel that i was not alone. and these boy toys i collected were the best options my mediocre mind could think of.

i dated, and dated and dated until one guy blew me away.

i never planned to hit on him. he was not like my ‘oh-so-hottie-that-guy-is’ type anyway- never was a potential target. of course! who would’ve thought. he was a former schoolmate way back in high school and meeting him in a party might really be the one of the most random circumstance. but we did and shared some talks that turned into laughter and shitty ideas- unaware that we already were getting along with each other. that night ended or at least i knew it did.

But it did not, he kept in touched until the famous cliched hit me. ‘expect the unexpected’ the next thing i knew, we were already dating. it took him a month to pursue me. and it took me those same time to decide that i should get a rebound. after all we had this unspoken agreement- the first person who falls, loses.

the relationship we had was the casual of today’s generation. it was not the romantic type. not even the sassy ones. it was something made out selfishness. better yet- a joke. we both knew it was not going to last. it was temporary- for the mean time. it was made out of fun.

i was desperate and he was a douche bag. i was a slut and he was a shit head. i was undeniably weak and he took advantage. he knew he was a rebound but he did not mind. i knew it was wrong but i ignored it.

“it’s nothing serious, actually” my best line of defense as people would ask us about our status. we are just having fun.

remember the mutual agreement we had? well, guess what? yup. probably, you might know where this story is going. fortunately, i lost (just imagine the sarcastic expression i put up in my face at this moment). i fell in love. game over. and the paranoid, restless, pathetic girl was already over thinking of where the relationship was going. of course, she knew it was coming. did she? she just never thought it would happen that fast. or perhaps, she could have thought of something that might change their situation from Kutcher and Portman’s ‘No Strings Attached’ to Gosling and McAdams’ ‘The Notebook’.

you see what i did there? i wanted it to be more than just friends with benefits. i wanted it to be Romeo&&Juliet. a hasty attraction that lead to a deep eros. i wanted commitment but i guess he was not ready as i was. i learned to love him because i chose to. i chose to because i wanted to. nevertheless, my point is, i don’t wanna blame him for the messed up relationship. well, i guess, he pretty much tried though, putting up with my understated attitude.

the right thing at the wrong time is still a wrong thing.

maybe, i had (have) that thing for him. for the note: that equals love. well, tap my back for being such a coward. i never did confessed what i felt for him. i hesitated. my pride pulled me back. i don’t wanna face the worst fear i could possibly have-rejection. but now, my heart keeps pounding and my head keeps stammering to let this agitation at the tip of my tongue be spilled out.

“I love you. I’ve always loved you. And i have to say it now before it’s too late. Before it’s really too late. You’re not the only one not living his life. I wanna live it now. And i wanna live it with you.”

bullshit as it may sound but this words are stuck in my mouth or i dunno, heart perhaps? giving me this acute myocardial infarction every time i see that little green dot beside his name every time i check my online friends. knowing that he’s in the end of the line probably chatting with some hot chick he just met.

Maybe, we just needed a little closure. a time and place to end everything. to end what we all had. i just had to say it. (after breaking up with me via phone) i don’t want any explanation how the hell happened. it does not matter anyway. what i feel now, may not matter to him but matters to me. it really is. and i just want to slap it in his face that i’ve loved him. and all i did for him was sincere. and everything i said, i meant. i just have to let it all out cause it’s already suffocating.

traumatic. i guess i would never try to love again until Ive grown up. they say it takes two mature people to handle a relationship. i guess i have to wait for my time and use this God-given single hood for me to nourish my soul and serve Him first. to make me realize that our main purpose of our existence is not to satisfy our own needs but for the greater glory and gratification of God. this is God’s way of telling me that we should control our lives not as what we have planned but according to His. and though we maybe confused on what’s going around us there is that a little leap of faith that we call. He is my Father and i trust Him. He knows me pretty too well, i don’t have to question. He loves me as i am because He created me. and after all the blessings he showered upon me all He wants from me is to love Him back. that also means to love what He created- that includes me. i should love myself first before i could love others. in that way, i could give them not the love they want but the love they deserve-God’s love.

PS.

Stay still, you might not have it now and somehow, you might think that God ain’t answering your prayer where your future hubby maybe. He’s is still making the best lovestory His little daughter could ever possibly have. ♥

1. rhusssayswhat posted this